You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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