i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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