Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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