did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We smell like vodka and hangover
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