Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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