I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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