I'm going to jail i love you
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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