found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
