I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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