yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
