My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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