Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
