I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
