Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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