I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
