I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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