I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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