closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
