You made me cry and you don't even care
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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