they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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