im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
