i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
