Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You need Xanax blowdarts
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
