Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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