my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
