So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
