Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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