I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Thank you for not boning my boss.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
