I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
