Whod you bang
Do you still have your period?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
