You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
