She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We're too hungover to prance.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
