So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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