dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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