why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
