I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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