I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Oh god it's open bar.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
