Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
