I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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