I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
