I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
