Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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