so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
