the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
