I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
