You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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