if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
