wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
