Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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