VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
