apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
