I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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