You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize