do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
