What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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