i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Too much gin, very little bucket
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
