All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
