Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
