You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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