eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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